I'm trying to learn new skills now that I'm a grandmother. Every child is different, just like my children were. Very early on it was obvious that one of them was artistic and one of them preferred numbers and logic. They both had great talents that they developed over the years. Also very early on, it was obvious that they both had figured out ways of manipulating us, their parents.
One of them used tears. “Mommy, I am crying because my
sibling is hitting me and being mean.”
We, as parents, were ready to jump in and rescue and yell at our other
child, until we realized that the person being blamed wasn’t even in the same
room!
The other child yelled and broke things when mad or tried their
best to take things apart that shouldn’t ever come apart. We reacted the way we had been taught, of course, with punishment.
We were new parents whose only parenting
skills were ones we learned from our own parents. We gave our children more rope than our
parents have given us. We did what we
thought was right and fair. There was
fear when we found our spouse didn’t like to use the same parenting tools that
we knew. Very early on people began pointing out what we were
doing wrong, not right, in our parenting.
All we wanted was to protect and love our children, even though we
didn’t know how that should look.
The first person who made any sense when it came to
dealing with parenting and a child’s behavior was our children’s new school’s principle. He truly believed there was no such thing as
a bad child...... only unacceptable manipulative behavior. We had a choice as parents to allow those
behaviors or not.
If a child only got all the attention he or she wanted for unacceptable, manipulative behavior, then he or she was going to keep using it. If a child only got attention for acceptable, caring behavior, then he or she was going to keep using it! Simple? No.
Every parent was different. Every child was different. The parents had to make their lists of what
they considered acceptable and unacceptable in their own house, not the house
of their parents, or the house of their friends. They had to choose what they wanted the rules
in their house to be. The principle
suggested that the parents of the child/ren work together, not always an easy
thing to do, since a set of parents often came from very different backgrounds.
Parents had to make decisions. Did they want their children to learn and
respect that there had to be rules; safety rules, societal rules. Did they want to teach their children the
skills they need to live with the rules?
Did they want their children to learn the golden rule, “do unto others
as they would want done onto them?” Did they want their child to develop the
skills to play with other children? Did
they want their children to develop social skills that they would use out in
the world? Did they want their children
to develop boundaries, so they understand right and wrong, and respect for
personal space.... their own and others?
The principle also believed that the parent is the
parent, and the child is the child, not the child is the parent or the parent
the child. Very simple! There are societal roles too, which involve
learning to care for and respect others.
Now, years later, I am a grandparent. I bring my own beliefs with me. I ended up with two very smart children in spite
of my mistakes. My partner also ended up
with 2 very smart children. Our children developed the skills to live in a country that has mostly fair rules. But I see the parents struggling constantly
to prepare their children for living in our world as it is now.
I am lucky as a grandparent because I can observe
parenting skills being used in 2 different cultures. One culture addresses very strict rules for
children or adults. Our Canadian culture
has done away with many of the rules and we are quickly developing a very
manipulative society; at least that is what I think.
So what do parents do? And what do grandparents do?
Parenting comes back to what you want to happen in your
own house. Grand parenting is the same. When I have grandchildren visiting, I have
rules; safety rules and societal rules.
They know where they can and cannot play and what they can and cannot
touch. They know that they are to listen
to us, the grandparents, because we have the parent role for a little while. They are the children. We are also there to
help them develop the skills to live in this world.
I had to use some of the skills I learned years ago from
that principle when the grand children were visiting us recently. It was mealtime and we had prepared a very
simple meal. All the grandchildren were
sitting around the table. There were a
couple of picky eaters but the food assuaged most of the palates.
One grandchild decided she was not going to eat because
she didn’t like what was in front of her. Most of the children in our country aren’t
starving so it didn’t bother me that she wouldn’t eat what was in front of her. My rule was she sat at the table with the
other children while they were eating.
She had choices of food in front of her, some of which I knew she liked.
She demanded something else. I said no quietly. She left the table and loudly stomped into
the bedroom she was using to sleep in.
The other children continued eating their meals. I stayed with them and we visited over the
meal.
A few minutes later she returned. One of the other children suggested that
maybe she could eat 2 of the items and leave the rest. She said no and left again. I knew she was safe. I didn’t follow her. She didn’t need my attention. She was a child. She was trying to manipulate. I was the
parent. I wasn’t buying it.
After a few minutes, she returned to the table and began
eating. She knew what the rules
were. She knew who the parent was.
Parenting is never easy.
In fact, it’s one of the hardest jobs you will ever do. You are unemployed by the time you finish
your apprenticeship! But it’s also one
of the most wonderful things you will ever experience, especially if you take
the time to see the world through the eyes of your children, or grandchildren.
Set rules.
Establish boundaries. Care. Love.
Easy? No! But definitely
worthwhile in the long run!
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